Confessions of My Flesh Heart part II

Beauty was power to me.
The power to control every action of every man
The power to make a man keep coming
The power to keep their eyes on me and lust after
I wanted it all!

I wanted them to feel weak to their bones when they just looked into my eyes
I wanted them to yearn in their body just to be in my presence
I wanted them to have me on their minds all day long
I wanted them to smell my fragrance and give them taste of something they could never have
I wanted them to feel utterly powerless but to be hush hush about what was really going on


Cuz unspoken words was the game I thought I conquered
was the power I worked so hard for
Unspoken word between my "he's just a friend"
But deep inside I knew
"ha...if I really wanted to be with him I could"
Unspoken words made me even believe I was innocent
because nothing physical was happening
It was all mental

So I put on all the right closed that I knew would do the trick but kept me looking like an angel
I took mental notes as I watched all my celebrities Idols:
Beyonce, Alicia Keys, Rihanna, and Mariah Carey.
As Beyonce and Rihanna changes gears in their music
"I am sasha Fierce" and "Good girl Gone Bad"
I also cranked up the heat as I went to college and was no longer under Daddies roof
Their music were my anthems
I would sing my lung outs
"should of put a ring on it"
and then soften it off with "Rehab" and "Halo"
when I longed for my significant other and was with them

Luring and keeping my man was also part of my power
I had to keep my baby
So of course I had to go as far as I thought I should
But Wait...
I wouldn't go that far
naw baby I'm a Christan
O so you say I stilled feared God?!?
no I actually feared my parents
I was the Golden child and I did not want to follow in my sisters step of having child

So I thought I had standards,
but really I just manipulated the situations
so that I can do whatever I please
and still clean my tract

I believe in my self sooooooooo much
When ever things were going wrong in my relationship
I would go to my " guy friends"
because I needed that attention
I wrapped my actions with
I needed company
But the things I would say to them
when I'm desperate was not cool
And the fact that I always had victory
..that their was always someone their
to listen to me
to be there for me
trash my ex
tell me I was so beautiful
and that I deserve better
were never a surprised to me
no but instead I waited for them
they were wood adding to my flame of power

Yet, the only one I was fooling was my self
Because I thought power was part of becoming a young Lady
I actually thought it was classy
To clean my ugliness and tricks with dirt
and paint it white by claiming that I belong to HIS Kingdom
and the principle that I wont sleep with you
"I'm a Christan"

BU T, no I was actually an enemy of His Kingdom
I was actually hurting my brothers to sin
The power I believed I had did not worked for me
but my power worked for the enemy
He didn't even have to do much
Just sat back and encouraged me
Threw me a wood of compliments
or a new song from Rihanna
that sent my body on fire in the club
As I grind against my brother
I laughed he laughed
I danced He dance
I smiled He smiled
It, was almost like we were best friends

But, then again I was fooling every one
about my feelings
Because deep inside I was hurting
When I had a heated argument with my parents
or my relationship would go wrong and I felt the whole world was crashing down
I would cry and then brushed my tears off
and call my "guy friends"
who I knew would make me feel on top again

Make-up was also wood to my flames
I'd put on makeup and would feel just Utterly Beautiful!
Like literally UNTOUCHABLE
and so as I put on my masked
no one knew the truth
so when I laughed he laughed
When I put on my make-up
He would give my suggestions
And when I cry
he would also
o wait NO

When, I cry he would also laugh
When I would wish I was dead because I thought I was loosing my power
He would suggest how I can commit suicide
"take those pills and be gone"
"You could just take the knife"
"Just jump out of the car"
"Just crash the car"
when I felt like I was loosing my relationship
he would replace my tears with hate
Those were times when we wasn't in sync

But, those were the times
When My saviors voice was LOUD and CLEAR
"Don't take those pills!"
"Don't jump our the car!"
"Faith, baby girl!"
"I love you!"
"Don't do it!"

"Stop, believing in this false power that leaves you empty!
Stop luring your brothers
because your hurting your brothers and yourself
Stop looking up to Alcia Keys, Beyonce, and Rihanna as romodels
But instead Look at the Romodels I have in my word
Esters, Mary Magdeline Deborah.
Yes Faith, you are beautiful
But not to the worlds standards of fine clothing and makeup
But instead baby girl, my beautiful daughter
Your beautiful through your inner self,
the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,
which is of great worth in My sight.
For this is the way the holy women of the past
who put their hope in God
used to make themselves beautiful.
(1 peter 3:4-5)
~Faith