Truth- I have spent my whole life thinking that
I needed to grow into this fly, sexy ,intelligent, and beautiful women.
And then I would be secure.
I thought I was mapping out this great plan of wearing the world clothes of sophistication and pulling on my socks of Jesus.
-The socks that no one could clearly see.

But OMG
This whole tactics of pursing guys
Wanting guys to come after me
Wanting guys to lust after me
Wanting girls to envy me
Wanting girls to respect me
Wanting all these high standards to be applied to my life
Looking into the mirror and saying to myself
"hhmm I look good
...I hope he sees me "

IS ALL SELFISH!!!!
Where is Christ in any of this?!?!
I only see myself being glorified
Not Jesus Christ!

I never wanted people to identify me as....
"that girl who loves the Lord"

I almost want to cry
Cuz I thought I was doing so GOOD
but OMG there is just so much that I need to pray that the Lord cleans my heart
-cleansed me for I am not good

I may have look so innocent on the outside
But the flesh has had a strong hold in my life:
My flesh is ugly on the inside
My flesh is selfish
My flesh is arrogant
My flesh is conceded
My flesh is jealous

Who ever said that wearing Jesus socks was the only armor I needed on?!?!?
-to go up against the enemy.

But I knew -I just ignored the truth
I didn't want to put on the whole armor

-it scares me
that for so long
I have allowed my flesh to teach me these
seductive tactics that I have used to talk to guys
even the guy friends
-to lure them and keep them on my chain
saying just enough to keep them in my hand
just enough that if I wanted to
I could get them
I just chose not to
I put on this persona
"That I was just a friendly person"--
but if my ways cause my brother to stumble
then I am just one of Satan's agents
causing lust in their hearts!?!?!

O Lord My Savior
I continue to pray against these rules and tactics
that I use to live by

I pray Lord My Savior to Cleansed my heart

Jeremiah 17 :9
The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately wicked:
who can know it?
Psalms 51 :10
Create in me a pure heart,
O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

~ Faith

First day of class tomorrow and I'm back to seeing all my Gainesville loves =] … anywhoo

Meet Taz. [commonly known as tazzy boo]

If you’ve known me longer than a week, you’ve probably heard me speaking about my dog. Shocker alert uno: I’m Haitian AND I have a dog! & Shocker alert deux: He’s a pit-bull. Ok so I’m not gonna start my passionate speech on why pit-bulls aren’t pure evil, but this has gotten me thinking about how we sometimes get hung up on stereotypes and also let that effect our everyday encounters with people. If they have a rep, look big bad and scary, are of a certain race, or don’t look inviting … Beware, Cuidado, Atansyon! But I realize many times these are the people who need to be reached out to the most. Many people say to me pit-bulls have a nature to be aggressive. I always reply true indeed along with many other breeds, but it’s all dependent on their environment and how they are raised. Can’t the same thought be juxtaposed with people today? I know so many people with the, “I don’t need anybody” & “I can only trust me” attitude. Does that mean that their hearts can never be changed? Definitely not! God can change anything [notice not us, but Him]. So I’m just saying before you run away from that pit-bull (a.k.a. unapproachable person) just try to be open-minded, you may just be the one brave, loving person that they have been waiting to approach them.

-Steph

So I don’t know if I’m a writer, an artist, a fantabulous speaker, or a great athlete (if one at all). I dance, but I’m not about to be admitted to Julliard. Sometimes I think what kind of gift do I have?? One thing I was always proud of saying, was that I was a great listener. Okay maybe not as cool as the things above and I’m not going to receive some trophy, but nevertheless a crucial role in many people’s lives. I was always the go to person to vent to, to tell stories to, to seek advice; you name it I was it! I always seemed to be the person that people opened up to way before I even told them my birth date. I loved it and still do, don’t get me wrong I am truly fascinated by other people’s lives and stories. Even though everything I heard was not beneficial to my ears [another blog!] I was more than happy to put myself to the side and inject a few “umm hmm’s” “yea’s” and “ahhh’s” as they went on. But I think putting myself to the side led me to believe I never really had someone to confide in 100%.

For the longest I had the idea no one had the right to know all about me except me. My 7th grade reading teacher encouraged us to start a journal. I did that for a while, but it was short lived. I would have much rather get away from it all to have peace and reflect on my thoughts.

Lately, I feel less urgency to release my thoughts to myself and dwell on them So I was thinking [haha “thinking” ironic] Only one person can bring me peace in a part of my life that I don’t expose to anyone. I’m not alone and my thoughts are definitely not my own! Jesus has been here since day one being the absolute listener, loving, patient, kind, and caring. He has the answers to all my questions and problems and He already knows me inside out so I don’t need to hide anything from Him. I have A LOT to learn about being a good listener. This seems so simple, but I was so wrapped up in myself and my thoughts that I never saw it.

So with this God has been leading me to be more open with others around me, even when I may feel vulnerable. Something soooo new to me! So chances are as you think I’m in silence, my mind is in a thousand thoughts wanting to leak out one by one. I just thank the Lord that when I feel the need to run to my own space and clear my head, He’s already in the room ready to listen.
Stephanie

It’s almost time for me to go home for a two week break. I have been blessed in so many ways to be here in Gainesville this summer. With this journey that the Lord has called me upon to seek him, and all the wonderful people who have impacted me I couldn’t have imagined my summer spent anyway else. But I haven’t gone home for a single day all summer, and I don’t know if it’s the anxiety of almost being there but I really miss it.

If there was ever a love I knew I understood, it was love for my family. I love them unconditionally. I was reminded how strong a feeling that can be when I went to Haiti and met my cousins for the first time. As cheesy as it sounds I was all nervous to meet them, mainly because my Creole is far from being on point, but after spending one afternoon with them I knew I loved them, and I miss them to this day!

As for my immediate family, I’m so used to seeing them everyday its weird even after being up here for a year and a half. My dad works out the country so in the house my family of 5 [6 if you count tazzy boo] has almost broke in half. Nevertheless I am very close with my two older brothers, we NEVER [and I’m not exaggerating] fight, and I love and appreciate my parents now more than ever.

I don’t think I express my love to others as much as I should. Should I use words, actions, gifts, silence, an open heart, or willing ears? How do you truly express love?Along with this question, everyday I’m trying to wrap my mind around the idea of how much the Father loves me. I’m in awe of his love more and more every day, no matter how insignificant or broken I believe I am God thinks I’m beautiful! The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord. Psalm 45:11

He sees me not as I am but as the person I become in His beauty. I am only beautiful because He is. I love because He loved me first. So in that case I don’t believe the heart grows fonder with absence. Jesus delights when we give our all to him, so why would I not want to please the one who loves me so much to die for my sins, to die not for my own happiness, but the ability to live a life with him, TRUE happiness. He said to seek him and He shall be found. So I’m giving it all up to understand love in God’s eyes. “..And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.” Ephesians 3:17-18

-Stephanie