Confessions of my Flesh Heart Part 1

Truth- I have spent my whole life thinking that
I needed to grow into this fly, sexy ,intelligent, and beautiful women.
And then I would be secure.
I thought I was mapping out this great plan of wearing the world clothes of sophistication and pulling on my socks of Jesus.
-The socks that no one could clearly see.

But OMG
This whole tactics of pursing guys
Wanting guys to come after me
Wanting guys to lust after me
Wanting girls to envy me
Wanting girls to respect me
Wanting all these high standards to be applied to my life
Looking into the mirror and saying to myself
"hhmm I look good
...I hope he sees me "

IS ALL SELFISH!!!!
Where is Christ in any of this?!?!
I only see myself being glorified
Not Jesus Christ!

I never wanted people to identify me as....
"that girl who loves the Lord"

I almost want to cry
Cuz I thought I was doing so GOOD
but OMG there is just so much that I need to pray that the Lord cleans my heart
-cleansed me for I am not good

I may have look so innocent on the outside
But the flesh has had a strong hold in my life:
My flesh is ugly on the inside
My flesh is selfish
My flesh is arrogant
My flesh is conceded
My flesh is jealous

Who ever said that wearing Jesus socks was the only armor I needed on?!?!?
-to go up against the enemy.

But I knew -I just ignored the truth
I didn't want to put on the whole armor

-it scares me
that for so long
I have allowed my flesh to teach me these
seductive tactics that I have used to talk to guys
even the guy friends
-to lure them and keep them on my chain
saying just enough to keep them in my hand
just enough that if I wanted to
I could get them
I just chose not to
I put on this persona
"That I was just a friendly person"--
but if my ways cause my brother to stumble
then I am just one of Satan's agents
causing lust in their hearts!?!?!

O Lord My Savior
I continue to pray against these rules and tactics
that I use to live by

I pray Lord My Savior to Cleansed my heart

Jeremiah 17 :9
The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately wicked:
who can know it?
Psalms 51 :10
Create in me a pure heart,
O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

~ Faith